Testing Edges…
[singlepic id=8 w=320 h=240 float=left]It has now been a couple of weeks that I haven’t posted any update here. It is now time to face reality. A while back Rachel asked me to reconsider the journey for a number of reasons, my reaction was somewhat that of disappointed, I was really looking forward to the adventure. And I was really counting on everyone in the family being bought into the idea. Adventure is all about crossing over into the unknown and experience discovery. Planning is a very small part of it too much planning for me would kill the entire experience. But when Matthew expressed that maybe it would be better to start with something smaller this year maybe a week treck just to see what it would feel like it.That took me aback. I literally frozen, at first I felt betrayed, then I started to realize that really the whole project was for the both of us to share a sense of partnership. I had considered the possibility not to complete the journey, that is a prerogative of the unknown, and I was prepare to keep my mind open and avoid being stubborn. I did not conteplate the possibility the journey wouldn’t even start. I really jearn that feeling of adventure.
It is now two weeks since then and I can’t still describe accurately what is going on inside me. Yes I for me is all about understand emotions, is the critical foundation of who I am. this journey for me is a mixture between my yearning for adventure, sharing a meaningfull experience with Matthew, and yes in part was also a way to get the attention I crave.
So today is time to take stock of that eat a little humble pie and admit that to myself. Yes because is not all there. After I sort of accepted the change in program something else started to surface. How am I going to deal with the fact I have been talking to everyone about this? what would they think of me? They will all believe that I’m backing out of this… and bla bla bla!!!
It is quite an irony to think that I was going to show my son what adventure is all about. really he showed me what purity of spirit is all about. two days ago while I was still grovelling about writing this post I heard him talking to my parents over skype and just plainly and unreservedly say : “by the way you know we are not going to do the full journey but just a week!”. what stroke me was his matter of fact attitude to it. I’m still worrying about it but he just accepted the situation as it is.
I’m so proud of Matthew, he showed me how to be honest with myself and simply accept that is ok to change your mind. Thank you Matt
To recall the words of Dewitt Jones “its on the edges that we find the winds that take us higher” this week Matthew helped me test my own internal edge face the truth I so often hide under excuses and justifications and admit to myself that I migth not be afraid of danger but I’m surely, still afraid of judgment.
Where to now? when I superimposed Westrack 2009 over the logo, I asked myself “do you men would there be a 2010? “And why not, maybe that is exactly what is all supposed to be. Maybe this is a never ending journey looking for a new edge to test in search for the currents that take us higher 🙂
